Ladies and Gentlemen,
I have found very possibly the worst and best website on the planet.
The best part is... it wasnt bad on purpose.
*drum roll please* I give you... HOBBS PUBLISHING! (hobbspublishing.com)
Hobbs Publishing is a self-publishing company for those writers too lazy or too crappy to get published by a reputable publishing house. I have researched these types of things many times in my own impatient efforts to skip over the crap of submission and just get on with the publishing.
But in my research, I'm finding it is rarely if ever profitable or worthwhile unless you merely want one copy of your own book for your own purposes. This particular company, however, takes the cake.
And I will tell you why...
I shall begin with one of their very clever phrases used to entice the poor, desperate author... "When you have your books printed, Many people will probably want to buy your book!"
...That alone should be enough to prove my point. I even had both sides of my brain in agreement as they shouted "PROBABLY?! Did you just say PROBABLY?!" Everyone knows the key ingredient to selling anything is confidence, assuredness... act like you know what you're talking about and that the item you want to sell is vital to their very survival! NEVER use words like "probably" and dont capitalize words in the middle of a sentence unless its proper cause it makes ya look retarded.
Now, lets go to the home page of the website to begin our journey. Pretty colors. Charcoal colored background, Pumpkin orange header, White text background in the body of the page, Black side panel with navigation options. Simple, but pleasant enough color scheme. I'm not grossed out yet.
First thing you see is a small paragraph about the company. "We are honored to present you some of our most valuable business solutions. We have various ways to help you improve your business image. Whether you are in business for someone else, or an independent contract freelancer, we believe that our services will empower you to provide increased quality customer service that will place on the cutting edge."
After reading that, I take an anti-nausea pill and try to figure out what just happened. I cant, so I move on.
On the right hand side in bright red, big bold letters- "SPECIAL OFFER! For only $949 We will convert your manuscript into a formatted book!"
Woohoo! I'm excited! And what does the special offer include, you ask? Well, let me tell you. Here is what you get: 1. One standard book cover (2 choices) 2. Your typed manuscript converted into formatted text pages (Microsoft Word format) 3. A CD with your formatted book file (printing costs not included in this offer) 4. Reputable printers who are inexpensive. (The offer is LIMITED so call them TODAY!!)
...If you will notice... it doesnt mention how many copies you get. You get ONE book cover... *as opposed to the 7 I know you were wanting.* You get formatted text? Wait...what? I'm assuming you would be emailing the manuscript in the first place... so they stick it in Microsoft Word for you? But wait! There's more! You get a CD with the book on it... since the one you emailed them clearly wasnt enough e-book for ya...(but printing costs arent included), AND you get reputable printers who are inexpensive. Basically, $949 gets your book stuck on a cd and mailed back to you with a list of places to take it to get printed. Oh, and ONE book cover.
But hey! A printed book will make many people probably want to buy it. ALWAYS REMEMBER THAT!
There is a disclaimer here though. It says, "Disclaimer: Customer assumes all risks and liabilities associated with the development of the book and cover. It is also acknowledged by the customer that any text, images and or information is the customer's originalo work." Yes, ladies and gentlemen... after all the risks and liabilities (from dangerous writing) its still the customer's originalo work. A publishing company with typos on the website. That gets an A+ from me.
At the bottom of the page, after a list of "WHAT WE DO" there's another fun little motivational selling point. "WE CUT OUT THE MIDDLEMAN TO PASS THE SAVINGS ON TO YOU! Imagine the money you will save!"
Now, correct me if I'm wrong... Arent they just ADDING middlemen to the whole mess? Wouldnt submitting the manuscript straight to an actual publishing company cut out the middle man? And uh, that bit about saving money... Clearly, they dont understand that if you submit to a publishing company and they like the book, THEY pay YOU!! So, really, you pay more to self publish, add people to the mix and... oh! there are more pages to this website, I nearly forgot!
NEXT PAGE!! "Services"
It says: Fresh Marketing Solutions Sample book design inside and out: Featuring- Reality From the Heart, By R.J. Poet, Author and Poet (there is absolutely no link there by the way. There is no sample book design.) Then, it says: "Uniquely designed (in rust colored, italic text- looks vaguely like comic sans font) BOOK COVERS (in alternating colors, because rainbow words mean they are serious about unique!) We take great care in working with you to design the ultimate book cover for your book. For example, we take your ideas and design them into a cover you can be proud of and share with others. "
Now, I cant for the life of me figure out why "For Example" is in italics. But it doesnt matter. Immediately after that is the.... WHEN YOU HAVE YOUR BOOKS PRINTED, MANY PEOPLE WILL PROBABLY WANT TO BUY YOUR BOOK! Hahahhahahahahahaha!! (re-reads it...) HAHAHHAHAH!!!!
THEN there is "Sample book design inside and out from one of our satisfied customer!" ...customer. Singular. One customer. And its a link to his website! I dont care about RJ Poet! YOU dont care about RJ Poet. RJ's MOM is even hesitant sometimes. NEXT PAGE!!!
"About Us" ...It starts off with what I'm sure was supposed to be some sort of uplifting speech about... well, I dont know. You judge for yourself. "Hobbs Publishing is committed to providing you with a quality product and service. We believe that every writer is an author and every author wants the world to know what the know. So, as we say . . . If life is a rehearsal, why are our costumes in need of repair? If life is a dream, then why are there nightmares? If life is worth living, then why are we dying? If you have the answer to the question of life . . . can you write the book?"
...I refuse to even comment on THAT. And in case that little whatever-it-was didnt motivate you... "Find out how your life can change . . . as you write a book on life to change others!" **I'm crying. I'm truly crying.**
But they leave you with a "Why Our Business?" "Our goal is to make you happy, while providing you with economical graphics and innovative designed products!" ...What is an economical graphic? Please? Anyone? AND incase that wasnt enough fun for ya, there's a "VISIT ONE OF OUR PARTNERS!" with Mr. RJ's website link again. Shouldnt it say "VISIT OUR PARTNER!" instead? If you dare to click on the "CONTACT US" page, you will get the phone numbers, address, email accounts and a "Send us an e-mail so that we can review your project so we can determine if you qualify for our special offer." ...I betcha if you have the $$, you qualify!! They're going broke since sales on RJ's poetry went down. I blame the economical graphics. Clearly not economical enough.
